If Beyonce Were a Bro…

Some of you may remember the fad of call and response hip-hop from the late 90’s, one of the best examples was TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ followed up in even stronger fashion by their eminences the Sporty Thievz with ‘No Pigeons.’ Well we are fortunate that yet another fantastic spoof of a stupid pop song has emerged to while the day away at work. Our friends at College Humor have created one of the best music videos of the year. The only weird thing about this, however, is that the sadness of bro-dom sort of finally dawns when you see the female version in real life. Somehow its all fun and games to be a bro when you’re a lazy slob of a man, but the deeper darker side emerges when projected onto the female visage. Enjoy.

American Apparel vs. the Snuggie

If you haven’t yet come to know the powerful magic contained in the “Snuggie” also known as America’s plan to fight foreign oil and solve the climate crisis, you have been in a cave in Afghanistan for the past 12 months. With recession, nay depression, gripping the country, some enterprising telemarketers came upon the idea that you could just shut off your heat if you walked around all day in a body-sized blanket. Of course that is merely the practical explanation when we all know that fashion is really what they were shooting for…right?

Right. Witness our hipster friends over at American Apparel and their new creation….the batwing hoodie.

Let’s just say this…I can’t wait to see these on the streets bro.

The Linguistics of Hipster

It seems that the Hipster ball just keeps on rolling, making it harder and harder to tell who is/isn’t a hipster and whether it is even an applicable term anymore. There’s a great post over at laughingsquid that attempts to address this ever-important question.

Bro-Peds Piss Us Off

This one may not have reached your hood yet, but just like skinny jeans and graphic T’s its on its way. San Frooklyn has been overrun recently by gangs of loud, stupid-looking moto-cycles ridden by yipster trash on their way to the organic coffee house. Yes these Bros are riding Mopeds, those half-bike half-motorcycle hybrids that scream you’re an idiot.

We’re sure that when Ripcord Q. Hipster jumps on his Puch Maxi moped he instantly believes that this little act is their big step towards curbing climate change! Unfortunately these sores upon our roads are unsafe (for other drivers and cyclists, the Hipsters are on their own) and pollute especially noxious gases that don’t pass emissions standards. Therefore its likely that instead of just riding a motorcycle like real people these greenies are actually doing more damage to the environment than those capitalist pigs they so admonish. “But it has pedals! I can ride it like a bicycle with NO emissions!” Riiiiiight, you’re going to ride that 400 pound piece of crap all over town?

So next time you see one of these pieces of crap locked to a parking meter, be sure to kick it over and do mother earth some good.

Nothing But Brocktails

You’ve seen it many times, the group of graphic-t adorned young bucks bellying up to the bar with that one particular order in mind. It usually goes something like: “hey bro, I need 6 jaag-bombs for my boys, an RBV for me and a Vod Tonic for my lady. make em strong!” While we can all decry the poor taste involved in selecting these beverages, and even more strongly debate the merits of heart attack-in-a-glass, there is an unfortunate side effect emerging as a result of this widespread brohavior.

Yes, that’s right, your neighborhood corner bar has been taken over by the bromunity, they’ve fired all the bartenders, and now you have Katie and Starr tending bar to a bunch of morons. The bar is supposed to be whatever a patron needs on a given night, so we can’t lay blame at the proprietors feet for this tragedy. But we can implore our friends and bros to get more creative when ordering drinks. Because no one ever orders anything but Vodka and… these days, bartenders no longer need any skill or ability to create what used to be passionately referred to as ‘the cocktail’.

It is beyond us why bros are so happy to fork over 11 of their hardly-earned dollars for what amounts to about 10 seconds of effort and $0.25 of liquor, we can’t do much about the price but please just order a Gimlet! Order a Manhattan, a whiskey sour, an americano, a fizz, an old fashioned, even a silly drink like a mai tai or colada for god sakes but if you continue to only order the cliche three (jaag bomb, RBV, G/V&T/S) the art of the bar will be forever lost.

Sure we will always be able to find those magical few outposts of elixir heaven, but its just such a pain to have to trapse all over town to find a good cocktail. It’s even worse to run into the now-common comment from behind the bar that “we don’t make those” or “that takes too long” or “I don’t know how to make that”. You don’t know how to make a god-damn gimlet????? WTF. Supply and demand folks, simple as that, get some taste and the tenders will follow.

Get some ideas here and here.

Death of a Bro: Will Ferrell Edition

We probably aren’t the first to identify this tragic event in the Bromunity, but it is our duty to report that yes, indeed, Will Ferrell is dead. No, not dead in the traditional mortality sense, but in the sense that the Will Ferrell character (played the same in all his movies) has reached its unfortunate nadir. Though his demise has been clearly on the horizon for the past several years, it was our unfortunate viewing of the very unfunny Step Brothers this past weekend that sealed the deal.

For too long audiences, particularly Bros in middle America, have been satisfied by Mr. Ferrell’s brand of off-color and largely sarcastic humor. Though we have all enjoyed bros endlessly repeating many of the catch phrases culled from movies like Old School, Wedding Crashers, Zoolander etc., the humor in all of those movies is largely base and generally without effort. The team of comedians responsible for what we will dub the ‘Will Ferrell Franchise’ have relied for too long on simple irony and spent little time attempting to actually write witty jokes.

Slip Me a Fitty-Spot and Your Glass Can Have Ice

It was long ago time for a stern scolding of our good friends in the nightclub industry along with those of us who continue to patronize their houses of sin and immorality. We have all certainly shared the warm and fuzzy experience that waits for us behind the glorious velvet rope of the discotecas found in LA, Vegas, NYC, SF and Miami. We have slipped the doorman who still lives with his mom a benjamin just to get in and find the table we paid $2000 to get some bottle “service” at for two hours is next to the kitchen while every employee in the house requires more three figure payments just to do their job. Let’s be clear that we’re jealous of these club-trepreneurs, no one has made so much money for doing so little since Enron and those guys are in jail. Regardless of our jealousy though, these houses of bro must be reined in before their practice spreads into places we actually like.

How’d You Do That Bro?

We’re all familiar with Harry Potter, know he’s real and believe in magic, end of story and don’t ever talk shit about him, bro. But there are those out there who purport to share his unique and totally cool powers, the brogicians known as Criss Angel and David Blaine. These studs of the magic world are featured in various TV specials or shows defying death as they attempt increasingly base and pointless feats. We will focus our attention on just one of these spectacularly lame individuals, a one Mr. Criss Angel.

To give you a brief run-down of his resume, he is a semi-gothic post-punk attention hog (see Bam Margera) who poorly executes stunts on his A&E magic show “Mindfreak.” All stunts are performed as he is surrounded by his weeping family who seem dumb enough to believe he is actually in danger and somehow miraculously survives every time, though they would clearly be close enough to him to realize he is a fraud and magic isn’t real….unless your last name is Potter. He dresses in death related garb and has a fan following roughly approximating that of a WWE wrestler.

How-To: Break Up With Your Bro-Ho

This Gem of a breakup comes our way from a heartbroken couple that just couldn’t make it work. Obviously the love didn’t last:

Read the tearful brorespondence after the fold. Mind you this is NSFW and we do not wholly endorse this bro’s cold and heartless actions, wink wink.

Anti-Bro: Just Try To Stop Him

There is no one on earth more anti-bro than our good friend on the fairway, Mr. Eldrick Woods. Jordan ruled the hardwood in a way no one ever has or ever will, but its fairly clear that Tiger has broken new ground. Unfortunately we won’t see him smash the burners anymore this year due to the surgery (wtf? he won this weekend and is under the knife? crazy) but nonetheless the Open was reason enough to believe for another year. All along the way he has had those commercial hit-masters at Nike to steward his legend. Bravo Tiger, you are anti-bro.