How’d You Do That Bro?

23 07 2008

We’re all familiar with Harry Potter, know he’s real and believe in magic, end of story and don’t ever talk shit about him, bro. But there are those out there who purport to share his unique and totally cool powers, the brogicians known as Criss Angel and David Blaine. These studs of the magic world are featured in various TV specials or shows defying death as they attempt increasingly base and pointless feats. We will focus our attention on just one of these spectacularly lame individuals, a one Mr. Criss Angel.

To give you a brief run-down of his resume, he is a semi-gothic post-punk attention hog (see Bam Margera) who poorly executes stunts on his A&E magic show “Mindfreak.” All stunts are performed as he is surrounded by his weeping family who seem dumb enough to believe he is actually in danger and somehow miraculously survives every time, though they would clearly be close enough to him to realize he is a fraud and magic isn’t real….unless your last name is Potter. He dresses in death related garb and has a fan following roughly approximating that of a WWE wrestler.

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Bro is to Bro as Man is to Manziere

29 05 2008

It’s hard to say when and where the bro-nomenon began, but there is a case to be made for a particular ep of Seinfeld as the culprit. Before this ep aired the usage of Bro was mostly confined to the African-American community purely as a term of solidarity and respect.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, our friends at Seinfeld spawned an entirely new usage with the male bra, manziere, or more simply the Bro. This creation took the term from serious to silly and as with most Seinfeld colloquials was oft-repeated in the annals of pop-culture. Obviously this usage is not synonomous with ours here on this site, but we are merely arguing that the bro was let out of the bag. Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld, you are a god among Bros.

EmoBro, Oh No!

28 05 2008

Ass tight black jeans, check. Bullet For My Valentine on the Pod, check. Sour fucking attitude, check. Ravendeath Deep Night eyeliner, check. Portfolio of shitty art, check.

What is it with this bro-trend that has swept over our nations high schools, colleges and coffeehouses? These emo-bros just can’t seem to put shit in perspective. Is life so terrible that every ounce of your existence must reflect the fact that you hate your dad because he wanted you to watch football with him? Sack up, bro, and get with the fucking program. There are plenty of ways to be an individual in this world and express yourself without forcing everyone within ten feet of you to down a bottle of Prozac.

Let’s face it, if you don’t straighten this shit out by the time you graduate you’re gonna have some things to really cry about like being homeless or going without your daily mochaccino from the ‘bucks.

 We don’t mean to sound like your dad, really, but sometimes he has a point.

Bros in Cages

28 05 2008

Then there was bloodFor several years we watched as young bros spent hours, along with $74.99 of their parents hard earned money, watching the fantastically scripted bouts known variously as WWF, WWE, WCW, NWO may as well just be B.R.O. These man-tastic orgasms of blood, sweat and bros were the peak of bro-tainment for many a year, starring the likes of the awesome Ric Flair, Ken Shamrock and Hulkamania. Unfortunately the deets started to leak out about referees directing the ‘fights’, spring-loaded floormats and elaborate choreography. Not long after the best promoted wrestling bout of the century was to be between Donald Trump and Vince McMahon over who would be shaving their head in defeat….snore. Luckily that never happened, as McMahon realized all Trump had to do was remove the toupe.

It wasn’t long before a few hard core bros got together and decided to satiate this blood lust desire with what is now vaingloriously called extreme cage-fighting. If you haven’t experienced this spectacle yet, consider yourself served:

The All-star bro of this cast is none other than Mr. UFC himself Chuck Liddell. Let’s not be too hard on this guy, he did appear in a fairly entertaining Entourage ep and he does maintain his primary residence in San Luis Obispo, one of our favorite towns. But when you get right down to it he is a lifted truck driving, affliction shirt wearing, mohawk sporting bro at heart (Please spare us Mr. Liddell). If there are any aspiring bros out there be sure to pick up a pair of those dope-ass Tapout trunks Chuck endorses, they should provide that edge you need after 6 Red Bull/Vodkas find you in an alley demonstrating some Muay Thai on some guy twice your size.

As if the fights themselves were not enough, the recent news is that Bro #1 himself Mark Cuban is getting involved in the business. Let’s hope for Dirk Nowitski v. Avery Johnson III in the near future.

No, You’s da Benny

27 05 2008

Our Friends at MTV are quite fond of the bros and bro-hos, and for that we are quite fond of them. One of our favorite MTV shows is the long-running True Life series, essentially a series of one hour biopics about a variety of troubled individuals. In two of our favorite episodes the True Life  lenses are turned on a well known hotbed of bro and bro-ho, the Jersey Shore. The first episode in the pair is True Life: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl, which is really more about bro-hos than bros, but it does provide some choice reel of tats, gel spikes, ‘roids, clubs, and that marvelous sub-species of bro known as the Guido.

Lucky for us MTV wasn’t satisfied with just one jaunt to the shore and came back at us with True Life: I Have a Summer Share. This is where things really get juicy as the main character, a ‘roid freak Guido by the name of Tommy, shares a glimpse of his summer on the shore with us. The episode climaxes at a late night food joint as Tommy, desperate to get his cheeseball (wtf?) fix, gets in a fight with another guido over who is the bigger ‘Benny’. Suffice to say that these gentlemen are both quite large Benny’s and the broltercation that ensues is pure cinema magic.

Poor New Jersey, we happen to sort of like you, but you really must stop breeding these cheeseballs.

The ‘First Bros’ of Reality TV

27 05 2008

Do you own a TV? If yes is your response then your eyeballs have most certainly been violated by the pop-culture tragedy that is MTV’s The HillsWhile this series is ostensibly about a couple of post-teenage drama queens (aka bro-hos), there are many choice guest appearances by some of our favorite reality TV bros, BROdy and Spencer.

 Oh no bro!

While we have been privileged to watch their bromance develop over the first three seasons of this show, along with its predecessor Laguna Beach, we have been troubled by the news that their rock-solid brotherhood has become fractured. For the sake of Bromances everywhere lets hope BROdy and Spencer patch things up. We’re pulling for you Bros!