How’d You Do That Bro?

23 07 2008

We’re all familiar with Harry Potter, know he’s real and believe in magic, end of story and don’t ever talk shit about him, bro. But there are those out there who purport to share his unique and totally cool powers, the brogicians known as Criss Angel and David Blaine. These studs of the magic world are featured in various TV specials or shows defying death as they attempt increasingly base and pointless feats. We will focus our attention on just one of these spectacularly lame individuals, a one Mr. Criss Angel.

To give you a brief run-down of his resume, he is a semi-gothic post-punk attention hog (see Bam Margera) who poorly executes stunts on his A&E magic show “Mindfreak.” All stunts are performed as he is surrounded by his weeping family who seem dumb enough to believe he is actually in danger and somehow miraculously survives every time, though they would clearly be close enough to him to realize he is a fraud and magic isn’t real….unless your last name is Potter. He dresses in death related garb and has a fan following roughly approximating that of a WWE wrestler.

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How-To: Break Up With Your Bro-Ho

11 07 2008

This Gem of a breakup comes our way from a heartbroken couple that just couldn’t make it work. Obviously the love didn’t last:

Read the tearful brorespondence after the fold. Mind you this is NSFW and we do not wholly endorse this bro’s cold and heartless actions, wink wink.

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Anti-Bro: Just Try To Stop Him

18 06 2008

There is no one on earth more anti-bro than our good friend on the fairway, Mr. Eldrick Woods. Jordan ruled the hardwood in a way no one ever has or ever will, but its fairly clear that Tiger has broken new ground. Unfortunately we won’t see him smash the burners anymore this year due to the surgery (wtf? he won this weekend and is under the knife? crazy) but nonetheless the Open was reason enough to believe for another year. All along the way he has had those commercial hit-masters at Nike to steward his legend. Bravo Tiger, you are anti-bro.

Fix-Push Revolution

18 06 2008

If you aren’t hip to the fix-push skateboard yet, just wait cuz its on its way to gentrified America bro! Thought fixed-gear bikes ridden by fixies were badass? Well you thought wrong bro. Just head into your grittiest hipster gentrified nabe nearby and you can get hip to the news on this sweet new trend. Bro.

Sweet Laxin’ Brah!

30 05 2008

We won’t even get started on the whole Lax controversy over the last couple of years, while it does speak to some Broficient behavior we choose to ignore it for the purposes of this site. What we can’t ignore, however, is the strict bromunity of laxers that dominates our prep schools and northeastern colleges.

Dare we say that Lacrosse may take the title as the most BROtherly sport around? Bromance does seem to float around your average Laxer party, not to mention a good number of chest bumps and beer-forehead collisions. In fact, if you have seen Indiana Jones and the Legend of the Crystal Skull (don’t get us started) laxers are pretty much the opposite of those creepy aliens. Meaning put 13 laxers in a room together and communal IQ plummets, while one may very well lose their skull.

Let’s not forget where the lax nation is headquartered either, the land of plentiful middies and GB’s galore: Long Island and Maryland. It is from this hot-bed of brotastic meatheads that the bulk of our collegiate lax bros emanate. They must put something in the Muscle Milk out there. CREATINE! HGH! BRO!


New York Bro of Mind

30 05 2008

A big part of our frustration here at Bromunity is that BROs can be such complex and confusing creatures. For example, why is it that the typical BROutfit always includes a New York Yankees hat? We understand the need to identify with a winner (not this year though) as standard operating BROcedure, but this alone does not explain it. Maybe the Bros just love America and see the Yankees cap as the best way to prove to their Republican colleagues that they are patriots at heart? Though that doesn’t really explain Tom Brady , who along with Lebron recently stirred up a lot of shit by wearing Yankees hats out in public. This action alone landed them in the tabloids and cost them significant cred with their fans on the street (Brady has also been seen in Red Sox and SF Giants hats complicating things further). Why is it so vital to sport that NY wool even if it means  disappointing the people who idolize you most?

Its possible that the hat is just a snazzy looking hat, nothing more, and we should leave it at that. But by taking a representative sample, there does not appear to be a single unifying thread among likely cap-sporters. You have rappers, gangsters, sports fans, athletes, New Yorkers, foreigners, movie stars, politicians and even Californians. This single blue hat must be the most adaptable piece of clothing known to mankind, because we’re not sure if there’s anything else Rudy Giuliani and Nas have in common.

There must be some unspoken bond among those lucky enough to own a little part of that yankee mystique, that subtle sign that you stand among brothers, brothers with little or no sense of individuality. Why fight it? Why swim upstream against such a powerful current of conformity?

Here’s $30, guy, we’re a 7 3/8.

Can You Hear Me Now, Bro?

30 05 2008

JawBroVigilante justice can be oh so sweet, and few things make us consider it more seriously than the epidemic of bluetooths and jawbones drooping out of earlobes everywhere.

We’ll admit the plethora of private conversations over these devices have confused us on more than a few occasions, as we respond to conversation someone is having with their own ear. In fact, it has always seemed surprising that if this mistake is made the offending bluetoother always stares incredulously like we’re the crazy one talking to ourselves. Instead it’s you, Jawbro, on your ‘tooth that looks the crazy one talking to yourself driving down the 101. Haven’t you seen the guy down on the corner shouting about satan? That’s you if you don’t get that bug out of your ear sometime soon.

Yeah, yeah, we know that states everywhere are passing laws making it ‘illegal’ to talk on anything other than a Jawbro while driving etc., but have you considered just shutting your mouth down for a few minutes even if alone in your car. We can only imagine what would happen to the Buddhists if Motorola shipped a couple ‘tooths out to them, meditative reflection would be all but lost.