If Beyonce Were a Bro…

12 02 2009

beyonce8Some of you may remember the fad of call and response hip-hop from the late 90’s, one of the best examples was TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ followed up in even stronger fashion by their eminences the Sporty Thievz with ‘No Pigeons.’ Well we are fortunate that yet another fantastic spoof of a stupid pop song has emerged to while the day away at work. Our friends at College Humor have created one of the best music videos of the year. The only weird thing about this, however, is that the sadness of bro-dom sort of finally dawns when you see the female version in real life. Somehow its all fun and games to be a bro when you’re a lazy slob of a man, but the deeper darker side emerges when projected onto the female visage. Enjoy.

Bro-Peds Piss Us Off

3 09 2008

This one may not have reached your hood yet, but just like skinny jeans and graphic T’s its on its way. San Frooklyn has been overrun recently by gangs of loud, stupid-looking moto-cycles ridden by yipster trash on their way to the organic coffee house. Yes these Bros are riding Mopeds, those half-bike half-motorcycle hybrids that scream you’re an idiot.

We’re sure that when Ripcord Q. Hipster jumps on his Puch Maxi moped he instantly believes that this little act is their big step towards curbing climate change! Unfortunately these sores upon our roads are unsafe (for other drivers and cyclists, the Hipsters are on their own) and pollute especially noxious gases that don’t pass emissions standards. Therefore its likely that instead of just riding a motorcycle like real people these greenies are actually doing more damage to the environment than those capitalist pigs they so admonish. “But it has pedals! I can ride it like a bicycle with NO emissions!” Riiiiiight, you’re going to ride that 400 pound piece of crap all over town?

So next time you see one of these pieces of crap locked to a parking meter, be sure to kick it over and do mother earth some good.

Nothing But Brocktails

3 09 2008

You’ve seen it many times, the group of graphic-t adorned young bucks bellying up to the bar with that one particular order in mind. It usually goes something like: “hey bro, I need 6 jaag-bombs for my boys, an RBV for me and a Vod Tonic for my lady. make em strong!” While we can all decry the poor taste involved in selecting these beverages, and even more strongly debate the merits of heart attack-in-a-glass, there is an unfortunate side effect emerging as a result of this widespread brohavior.

Yes, that’s right, your neighborhood corner bar has been taken over by the bromunity, they’ve fired all the bartenders, and now you have Katie and Starr tending bar to a bunch of morons. The bar is supposed to be whatever a patron needs on a given night, so we can’t lay blame at the proprietors feet for this tragedy. But we can implore our friends and bros to get more creative when ordering drinks. Because no one ever orders anything but Vodka and… these days, bartenders no longer need any skill or ability to create what used to be passionately referred to as ‘the cocktail’.

It is beyond us why bros are so happy to fork over 11 of their hardly-earned dollars for what amounts to about 10 seconds of effort and $0.25 of liquor, we can’t do much about the price but please just order a Gimlet! Order a Manhattan, a whiskey sour, an americano, a fizz, an old fashioned, even a silly drink like a mai tai or colada for god sakes but if you continue to only order the cliche three (jaag bomb, RBV, G/V&T/S) the art of the bar will be forever lost.

Sure we will always be able to find those magical few outposts of elixir heaven, but its just such a pain to have to trapse all over town to find a good cocktail. It’s even worse to run into the now-common comment from behind the bar that “we don’t make those” or “that takes too long” or “I don’t know how to make that”. You don’t know how to make a god-damn gimlet????? WTF. Supply and demand folks, simple as that, get some taste and the tenders will follow.

Get some ideas here and here.

Can You Hear Me Now, Bro?

30 05 2008

JawBroVigilante justice can be oh so sweet, and few things make us consider it more seriously than the epidemic of bluetooths and jawbones drooping out of earlobes everywhere.

We’ll admit the plethora of private conversations over these devices have confused us on more than a few occasions, as we respond to conversation someone is having with their own ear. In fact, it has always seemed surprising that if this mistake is made the offending bluetoother always stares incredulously like we’re the crazy one talking to ourselves. Instead it’s you, Jawbro, on your ‘tooth that looks the crazy one talking to yourself driving down the 101. Haven’t you seen the guy down on the corner shouting about satan? That’s you if you don’t get that bug out of your ear sometime soon.

Yeah, yeah, we know that states everywhere are passing laws making it ‘illegal’ to talk on anything other than a Jawbro while driving etc., but have you considered just shutting your mouth down for a few minutes even if alone in your car. We can only imagine what would happen to the Buddhists if Motorola shipped a couple ‘tooths out to them, meditative reflection would be all but lost.


Bros in Cages

28 05 2008

Then there was bloodFor several years we watched as young bros spent hours, along with $74.99 of their parents hard earned money, watching the fantastically scripted bouts known variously as WWF, WWE, WCW, NWO may as well just be B.R.O. These man-tastic orgasms of blood, sweat and bros were the peak of bro-tainment for many a year, starring the likes of the awesome Ric Flair, Ken Shamrock and Hulkamania. Unfortunately the deets started to leak out about referees directing the ‘fights’, spring-loaded floormats and elaborate choreography. Not long after the best promoted wrestling bout of the century was to be between Donald Trump and Vince McMahon over who would be shaving their head in defeat….snore. Luckily that never happened, as McMahon realized all Trump had to do was remove the toupe.

It wasn’t long before a few hard core bros got together and decided to satiate this blood lust desire with what is now vaingloriously called extreme cage-fighting. If you haven’t experienced this spectacle yet, consider yourself served:

The All-star bro of this cast is none other than Mr. UFC himself Chuck Liddell. Let’s not be too hard on this guy, he did appear in a fairly entertaining Entourage ep and he does maintain his primary residence in San Luis Obispo, one of our favorite towns. But when you get right down to it he is a lifted truck driving, affliction shirt wearing, mohawk sporting bro at heart (Please spare us Mr. Liddell). If there are any aspiring bros out there be sure to pick up a pair of those dope-ass Tapout trunks Chuck endorses, they should provide that edge you need after 6 Red Bull/Vodkas find you in an alley demonstrating some Muay Thai on some guy twice your size.

As if the fights themselves were not enough, the recent news is that Bro #1 himself Mark Cuban is getting involved in the business. Let’s hope for Dirk Nowitski v. Avery Johnson III in the near future.

Graphic T’s, Scourge of Our Times

27 05 2008


We’re sure that you’ve noticed this flagrantly bro trend that has been all over the streets of the OC for the past couple of years. Despite all indications that this should be an ephemeral brodiction it has truly stood the test of two years time. Though many of our favorite Bro-tailers such as the ubiquitous PacSun, the very edgy Zumiez or the badass mcbrotown Metropark carry these products, only AfflictionClothing.com provides the full experience. Cycle through hundreds of sleeved up bros presenting the latest in brothing styles to suit each and every bro as he rides through Newport in his lifted Silverado. Don’t forget your bro-ho though, sister line Sinful provides all that she needs to tempt your bro libido.

These shirts are the ultimate bro-cessory because they send a very clear message that you, bro, are not to be F’d with. The skulls, naked ladies, flames and various other neo-gothical iconography simply hint at the edge of your McCain-esque temper. Here’s to you, bro, and your $78 t-shirt of death.

Some Good Journalism…

27 05 2008

Natch there are plenty of people out there in the world noticing this phenomenon, here is a good piece of satire from our friends at the Onion. Of course a key element of Bro-dom is the recognition of other Bros during Bro-time, when it is acceptable to be emotional in expressing your gratitude to your bros

  • I’ve long admired your absolute broficiency in all things bro-related, and the way you’ve always carried yourself in a brofessional manner. I consider you a brole model. When I was new in this town, you took me under your wing and showed me the bropes. And I will always preesh that. Not only did you school me in proper brotocol, but you were a spiritual leader, a confidant, and, more importantly, a bro. You taught me how to be true to my inner bro and to bros around me. You are a real bro. Not a fake bro, like those other douches. I hate fake bros, bro. Faux breaux. Fuck that. No, really, bro…you’re practically a bro-ther to me.

Faux breaux, F that indeed.


Welcome to the Bromunity

27 05 2008

Today marks day 1 of the Bromunity experiment. This project begins as an attempt to identify and expound upon the emerging and dominant American male archetype of our time, the Bro. This shall be no simple task as this trend of “bro-ness” has emerged quickly and spread throughout pop culture, thus infiltrating almost all other aspects of male culture. It is an unfortunate trend, but one that does not appear to be waning anytime soon. Therefore we hope to separate out its identifying traits and characteristics so that you, the “non-bro” public can avoid accidentally adopting any part of the “bro-dentity.”

A good starting point is a simple definition of Bro borrowed from an entry in the all-powerful Urban Dictionary:

An alpha male idiot. This is the derogatory sense of the word (common usage in the western US): white, 16-25 years old, inarticulate, belligerent, talks about nothing but chicks and beer, drives a jacked up truck that’s plastered with stickers, has rich dad that owns a dealership or construction business and constantly tells this to chicks at parties, is into extreme sports that might be fun to do but are uncool to claim (wakeboarding, dirt biking, lacrosse), identifies excessively with brand names, spends a female amount of money on clothes and obsesses over his appearance to a degree that is not socially acceptable for a heterosexual male.

Finally, thanks for stopping by, we hope your visit will be an educational and enlightening one.