Bro is to Bro as Man is to Manziere

29 05 2008

It’s hard to say when and where the bro-nomenon began, but there is a case to be made for a particular ep of Seinfeld as the culprit. Before this ep aired the usage of Bro was mostly confined to the African-American community purely as a term of solidarity and respect.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, our friends at Seinfeld spawned an entirely new usage with the male bra, manziere, or more simply the Bro. This creation took the term from serious to silly and as with most Seinfeld colloquials was oft-repeated in the annals of pop-culture. Obviously this usage is not synonomous with ours here on this site, but we are merely arguing that the bro was let out of the bag. Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld, you are a god among Bros.

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First Bros Update: Bromance Rekindled!

29 05 2008

It is with great joy and relief that we report our favorite braindead broteam is back together again. E! online reports that this power couple has put their differences behind them in the name of truly great reality tv. As if we were ever worried they would run the clock out on their 15 minutes, it appears BROdy has inked up for a new series about which we are tingling with anticipation, Bromance.

Although it isn’t clear if Spence will get top billing or even be a part of the newly launched series, here’s to hoping he’ll make an appearance at a few Brodeos. Broducer extraordinaire Mr. Ryan Brocrest will be at the helm, and we couldn’t be more pleased. As the old saying goes, takes Bro to know Bro, and our buddy Ryan certainly knows Bro.

 





Southern Bro: Long Live Dixie

29 05 2008

Bros EverywhereThe South as we love her is a land of tradition, a place where history is alive and old habits never die. Additionally, few will argue that many of our Nation’s best annual events, such as the Derby, the 500, SEC Football, Savannah St. Patty’s or Mardi gras, all occur in the Southland. As such we must admit to a bit of a tempestuous affair with those darn secessionists, but that doesn’t mean we’re beyond calling a spade a spade.

If you’ve been lucky enough to visit in the past 5 years you no doubt noticed a few gentlemen in Croakies and polos. Yes, indeed, we speak of the army of Southern Bros that swarm across that beautifull, but erosion prone, red clay soil. The population of these frattabulous bowtying machines explodes in towns like Athens, Tuscaloosa, Auburn, Lexington, Oxford, Columbia and Knoxville. In fact, Knoxville was the location of the little bro-in pictured above (more brobourine bro, you’re losing the beat!).

These syrupy-accented patrons of the old south are flabbergastingly similar in appearance, so much so that we wonder how anyone but dear mama tells them apart. Let’s do a run down:

  • Croakies and the requisite pair of black plastic sunglasses (Damnit if we haven’t lost many a pair lately and they’ve known the secret all along!)
  • Various printed paraphernalia such as ties, bowties, pastel shorts, polos, caps or even croakies adorned with adorable marlins, bulldogs, cotton, palmettos, azaleas, crocodiles and the like. Oh how those belles may swoon.
  • A well worn pair of docksiders, for sailing.
  • The ubiquitous bro-cut mop-top swoop styled coiffed head of oh-so-flowing hair. Make sure not to get it in your eyes, and the choice between swooping right or swooping left is hightly critical.
  • Frat membership. ‘Nuff Said.
  • Bassmaster stickers on the bro-wagon.
  • Gaggle of sorostitutes in tow.

Should you be lucky enough to share a State with these brotherners make sure to stop into your nearest haberdashery and suit up, lest you be noticed for that carpet bag in your clutches.





Anti-Bro: We Da BEST Man

29 05 2008

Way back in 2006 our good friend Nas, the troublemaker of ‘Hate me now’ fame, declared that our beloved Hippity-Hop was indeed a festering corpse. Fortunately for us Nas’ portent has proved slightly inaccurate,  not unlike the original Nas of the 16th century. What’s that you say? How do we know hip-hop is registering a pulse? We’re glad you asked:

That’s right, these fine young gentlemen have kept their noses to the grindstone despite Nas’ predictions, and from the looks of things they appear to be doing quite well.

Bro, you must be new around here Bro, man we da best man. Yes, DJ Khaled you are the best, keep doin what you do.





The World Is Yours, Bro.

29 05 2008

We will be the first to admit Scarface is (was?) a badass, but he also executed his drug trade in a cavalier and moronic fashion that got him killed unnecessarily and undercut every single friend he ever had. He hit mountains of his own product and seems to have been fucked up more often than even mildly cognizant of his surroundings, certainly great news for business. But lets not miss the point here….he was a badass. Enough said.

Thanks to this mountain of a man, today we are privileged to be surrounded by a burgeoning flock of Brony Montanas at every rap concert we attend. What exactly is the fascination with Mr. Montana, Bro? Do you assume that because you’re walking towards us in your BROface tall tee that we’ll cower in fear, or is it a sign we should ask you for an 8-ball? Oh now we get it, you’re hoping that some federal agents might mistake you for the heir to Tony’s throne and as you go down in a blaze of glory we can all remember you larger than life in Scarface II: Denver. While we are sure your biopic would be highly entertaining, why don’t you put away the Scarface hoody, stop playing dress up, go back to your Mom’s house, grab the keys to the Corolla and strap on the Home Depot Apron. Tony Would be proud, Bro.





EmoBro, Oh No!

28 05 2008

Ass tight black jeans, check. Bullet For My Valentine on the Pod, check. Sour fucking attitude, check. Ravendeath Deep Night eyeliner, check. Portfolio of shitty art, check.

What is it with this bro-trend that has swept over our nations high schools, colleges and coffeehouses? These emo-bros just can’t seem to put shit in perspective. Is life so terrible that every ounce of your existence must reflect the fact that you hate your dad because he wanted you to watch football with him? Sack up, bro, and get with the fucking program. There are plenty of ways to be an individual in this world and express yourself without forcing everyone within ten feet of you to down a bottle of Prozac.

Let’s face it, if you don’t straighten this shit out by the time you graduate you’re gonna have some things to really cry about like being homeless or going without your daily mochaccino from the ‘bucks.

 We don’t mean to sound like your dad, really, but sometimes he has a point.





Check Out my MySpace Bro, Thanks for the Add!

28 05 2008

This post needs almost no explanation but still must be said. If you’re looking for a few million bros, look no further than mighty Rupert’s foray into the blessed interwebs. Yes, thats right, we’re talking myspace.com. This true bromunity of type A bros and bro-hos provides more instruction than we ever could on the essential ingredients to bro-dom.

What constantly amazes us is all the shit that these bros can fit onto one webpage, especially since overlord Murdoch places about 17 ads per page. In a few thousand pixels your average bro is able to communicate so much:

  • His music tastes, hippity-hop to the rap-rock natch (to you and all those within a 15 foot range of your computer)
  • His dope and fresh look conveyed through various headshots of bro #1 in some of his 117 New Era fitteds, size 1/2 too large.
  • His plethora of bro-hos, all of which are desperate to meet him in real life to provide him with male enhancement products for endless bedtime happiness, in exchange he might holler at dem wit a cameo in the next music vid he produces
  • His stable of ‘whips’, including his multimedia Tahoe and a street-tuned performance muscle civic to his wakeboat and hayabusa sportbike (no money down? siiiiick!). Oh, the wakeboat? It’s at the dry dock. The Tahoe? It’s in the shop, but my grandma’s Park Avenue is totally dope, like, almost a low-low.
  • His web developer dexterity as evidenced by various flashing, spinning, vomit inducing widgets. Extreme!!!

Keep hope alive, bro, maybe someday you can be all your myspace profile says you are!

Here’s a little myspace themed icanhas for you, you’re welcome.